I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle. I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Thinking of dating a horsewoman?
Please read the following carefully:
Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold, but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
Glossary of Horse Terms:
Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50 lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "rideable".
Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
When your day seems out of balance
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CATHOLIC HORSES
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch saw that as a absolute sure thing, and bet every cent he had on him. Then he watched as the horse come in dead last. Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem. You Protestants just have to learn the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Dear Tech Support: Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0.
I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0.
This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not- it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.
A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number. Sincerely, Tech Support
The top twelve ways to tell Martha Stewart has been to your barn:
12. All that scrap hay has been neatly picked up and turned into wonderful dolls and other decorations for the barn.
11. The bales of hay are arranged into an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot and apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane and tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
A Horsie Wife Is:
A sentimental fool. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Easy to locate. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist. Checks every section of hay for mold, but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, a slight trace of chapstick.
Easy to outfit. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke, while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
A dedicated club woman, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in it's name.
Has you leisure at heart. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into mud).
A master at multiplication. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on hay, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
An engaging conversationalist. Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration.
Socially aware. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job)
Easy to please. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Shows her affection in unusual ways. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!
Welcome to Horse-Aholics Anonymous. Also known as HA!
I am a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholics Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place:
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package, when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Europe for the horsemanship finals, or to Freedom Hall to watch the World Championship Horse Show?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
11. Do you know the meaning of ____________________?
12. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
13. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? But have trouble getting up for "work?"
14, If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
15. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have, and pity them if they don't have one?
16. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
17. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
Let Me Teach You . . . A Touching Equine Poem
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story........
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of YAHOO-let's-go event horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
When I am Old... I shall wear diamonds And a wide brimmed straw hat With ribbons and flowers on it And I shall spend my social security On white wine and carrots And sit in the alley of my barn And listen to my horses breathe. I will sneak out in the middle of a summer's night And ride the dappled mare Across the moonstruck meadow, If my old bones will allow. And when people come to call, I will smile and nod, As I walk them past the gardens to the barn And show, instead, the flowers growing there In stalls fresh-lined with straw. I will learn to shovel and sweat and Wear hay in my hair as if it were a jewel. And I will be an embarrassment to all Who look down on me Who have not yet found the peace in being free To love a horse as a friend, A friend who waits at midnight hour With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes For the kind of woman I will be When I am Old. |
What the ad says vs. what the ad means:
Friendly - Comes to you in the pasture, but you may not be able to catch him!
Seasoned - Tired
Bombproof - Ready for retirement
Gentle - This doesn't mean anything!
Good with kids - Can't carry much weight; has a sore back
Man's horse - You'll have to be a weight lifter to stop this one!
Needs experienced rider - Bucks, spooks, runs away, or rears
Prospect - This horse may be able to perform as in a few years
Broke - Green broke
Green-broke - Halter broke
Ready to start - Never touched by humans
Loves trails - Hates arenas, won't stay on the rail
Successfully shown - No one was killed at the one schooling show he was taken to.